RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
