omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
