I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
