LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
