i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
