Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
