Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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