dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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