And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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