I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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