Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
