i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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