sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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