Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My bed is full of blood and feathers
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
