how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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