I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
