I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
