I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
