I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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