when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
