I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
