he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
