Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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