I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
