I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
