God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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