is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
