apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
