a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
