I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
