Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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