oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
