im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
