1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
