you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
