I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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