you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
