pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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