There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
