8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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