Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
