I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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