no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
