If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
