Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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