I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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