You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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