I met the friendliest cop last night
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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