All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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