I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I enjoy the company of your penis
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